What's the difference: how many years should a man be older than a woman?
There is no single view on the ideal age difference when it comes to starting a family. A lot depends on the coincidence of interests and views on life, temperament, character traits and other features. Why do peers get divorced more often, what to fear in an unequal marriage and what increases the risk of separation at any age — in the Izvestia article.
Shock five-year plan
From the point of view of psychology, it is believed that the age difference of up to 5 years between spouses is optimal, says sexologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist Alexey Vilkov, If this gap is significantly greater, then certain problems may arise in marriage.
— Peers and partners with a small age gap usually have common interests and values. They have about the same level of physical health," says Vilkov.
In addition, according to Alina Koroleva, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, the age difference under 5 years is almost invisible after thirty.
"Such a time gap even adds interest to the relationship, since it removes the "clarity effect" that is usually inherent in peers," comments Koroleva. — There is an opportunity to ask a partner: "How was it with you?". It's good for a relationship — a kind of highlight, an open door.
When a man is older than a woman (or even a woman older than her husband) by a little more than 5 years, then this option is also considered quite acceptable, says Vilkov. Such people also have similar interests, approximately the same level of worldview, the same values, and the same level of physical health. But in the case when the age gap is approaching 10 years or more, problems may arise in terms of shared values, worldview and health — and not only, the expert warns.
— In terms of the sexual sphere, difficulties can already be observed due to the difference in the sexual constitution and sexual capabilities. This leads to conflicts, contradictions, disharmony and increases the risk of crises and breakups," Vilkov continues.
Unequal marriage
Candidate of Psychological Sciences Alina Koroleva considers it a normal difference if a man is older than a woman by plus or minus 10 years. According to the expert, this is the "golden mean" between generational change: people develop in approximately the same social context and therefore already have a basis for understanding each other. At the same time, it is easier for a man to gain respect in a relationship, since he occupies a higher step on the career ladder, and entered a socially active life several years earlier than his partner.
— In society, relationships are perceived more calmly when a man is older, but the reverse situation is considered not quite normal, — says Koroleva. — In such relationships, it often happens that a woman hides her age from others in order to avoid the topic of her seniority in the relationship and not face condemnation.
This option also has its undoubted advantages. A mature woman has a stronger motivation to be fit, maintain her health and physical energy in order to stay on the same level as her young partner, Koroleva believes. In the case of men, this effect is not observed, they take it differently — by social status and financial position.
— Of course, with the age difference between the partners in different periods of life, there will be a desynchronization in the physiological features of age. But if the foundation of a relationship is solid – common views on life, common goals, mutual understanding — then all these difficulties can be easily overcome, and comfort remains in the relationship," says Alina Koroleva.
The main disadvantage of the situation when a woman is much older than a man, Alina Koroleva considers a possible problem with the birth of common children. And the sexologist emphasizes that the factor of attractiveness and external youth is of great importance for men. It makes sense to consider this when the wife is much older than her husband. The risk of separation is high if the spouse eventually "gives up" and looks less attractive. Divorce is not excluded even with a small age difference, but with a significant gap it is sometimes almost inevitable.
It happens that because of the age difference, partners speak different languages, which in its own way indicates a significant gap between them. However, stable good relationships are possible if there are other "cementing" factors, the psychologist believes. We are talking about areas that strongly unite the spouses. These may be the same life goals, a common business, or difficult events experienced together. "And even if people disagree on the details, they are on the same wavelength on the big one," Koroleva sums up.
Meanwhile, if the lovers have an intention to enter into an unequal marriage, the psychologist advises to take into account one important nuance. The difference of more than 10 years is a favorable ground for changing socio—demographic roles.: instead of "husband-wife" — "dad-daughter" or "mom-son".
— The need for such a relationship occurs in two cases. The first was when the mother for the son and the father for the daughter were physically or emotionally unavailable. And the second option is if the "mom-son" and "dad-daughter" bond is very strong. Then a man and a woman can look for a substitute parent figure as a partner, and in this case, a partner with a large age difference will get preference," explains Koroleva.
The psychologist sees the advantage of such a relationship in that the partners cover each other's emotional needs. However, if the conditional "sons" and "daughters" do not grow up and move to equal relations, then playing "parent-child" can get boring.
The same age, the same age
One year of birth of partners is also not a guarantee of long happy years of living together. A lot depends on the age at which the marriage was concluded. According to the sexologist, spouses of the same age usually divorce more often if they marry young. Alexey Vilkov cites student families as an example.
— The newlyweds are united by a common study, they have one goal — to get an education. But now, the university is behind them, the spouses have matured, their characters have changed. The familiar environment is also changing. In new conditions, people sometimes behave in such a way that their behavior and lifestyle do not always suit their partner. All this leads to a crisis in the couple and increases the risk of separation," says Vilkov.
Alina Koroleva emphasizes that marriages between peers often occur against the background of hormonal maturation and sexual passion. When the passion passes, the rest comes to the surface. That's when it turns out that there's not much in common between the partners. Sometimes men leave, believing that their lifemates have aged and become bored. And they change women to younger ones if they consider their wife to be part of their status in society. According to Koroleva, such husbands treat their spouses as a framed object for a decent man.
And women, in turn, sometimes do not perceive their peers as worthy partners for marriage.
— Marriage between peers is good because initially the partners have a lot in common — they studied in the same programs, speak the same slang, listened to the same music, — continues Alina Koroleva. — However, it is believed that in such a relationship it is difficult for a man to gain authority, because since school, girls have been evaluating communication with their peers from the position of "these boys are so stupid." In marriages with people of the same age, he literally says, "I know everything about you." This effect of absolute clarity can bring boredom to a relationship.
From the point of view of a sexologist, peer partners have more chances for a stable and stable marriage if they form a family union after graduation. For example, work colleagues go to the registry office — such a union is more stable and stable.
The candy-bouquet groom
No age difference will hold back a marriage if it comes to a complete misunderstanding of each other, experts say. Such a relationship is likely to end sooner or later.
— Partners should have a lot in common. These are, first of all, the similarity of characters, common interests, a common worldview, the same view of a shared future, common plans," the sexologist lists. — And, of course, sexual compatibility is important, which includes coincidence in terms of sexual constitution and needs for sex, similarity of sexual scenarios, and attitudes towards the intimate sphere.
Alexey Vilkov believes that the main condition for a happy marriage is the similarity of characters and such emotional equivalence, when people just feel good together, wherever they are. If all this prevails, then it is easier to cope with the troubles that arise, including in the sexual and domestic spheres, in relation to work, career, and so on.
— It's not for nothing that they say — together in sorrow and joy. Any external trials and life "storms" are a test for relationships: the good ones strengthen, the bad ones are bursting at the seams louder and louder, says Alina Koroleva. — Do you remember the first lockdown in Covid, when we found ourselves in confined spaces with our loved ones? After that, a wave of divorces swept through. It turned out that without breaks for work or personal leisure, living together is not possible.
According to Alina Koroleva, it is very important on what grounds the relationship is built. If only based on passion and love, then the attractive novelty of living together dissipates in a month, and with the format of candy-bouquet communication without a common life — in six months. But if the foundation of a relationship is solid — common views on life, common goals, mutual understanding — then all difficulties are easily overcome, and comfort remains in the relationship regardless of age.
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