A liar, a flatterer and a gambler on love: how marriage scammers deceive women
Beautiful words, vows of eternal love, promises of a happy life together and complaints about temporary difficulties are the usual arsenal of a marriage scam artist. Trusting, not spoiled by male attention, women are ready to give everything for the illusion of family well-being. Who falls for the bait of Alphonsus, how to recognize a deceiver and why one should not believe in beautiful courtship — in the material of Izvestia.
The Prince on a white horse
Clinical psychologist, body therapist, and sexologist Sergey Volkov believes that women's dreams of a prince on a white horse have a strict neurological justification. Women with such fantasies are inevitably predisposed to deceit. As soon as a "hero" appears on the horizon, even remotely resembling Captain Grey with his scarlet sails, they fall into feelings that they themselves invented.
— In the minds of women, there is a sudden realization of inner, very childish and vulnerable beliefs about love and security. They perceive other people's attention like a miracle," comments Sergey Volkov.
In this situation, according to the sexologist, critical thinking no longer works. And first of all, women who are dissatisfied with their lives run the risk of becoming victims of a marriage scam.
— And it does not depend on material well—being - you can be unhappy in the royal chambers. Such dissatisfaction is always associated with psychological boundaries and their failure in the field of personal relationships. Scammers and gigolos create the illusion that they can give a sense of fullness and fullness of life," comments Sergey Volkov.
At the same time, women do not care about the appearance and age of the person who offers himself for the role of prince. For example, Nadir Abulov, who was sentenced in absentia to 11 years in prison and found guilty of committing 10 frauds, does not meet the classical criteria of an ideal chosen one. Nevertheless, for the sake of him and their illusory happiness, women sold apartments and took loans for the conman.
Matchmaker Anna Osipova emphasizes that a man's appearance sometimes does not matter to those who set themselves the goal of getting married, especially to a wealthy partner.
The clinical psychologist notes that women, unlike men, have much more innate criteria for evaluating a partner. The key ones are a man's health, his resourcefulness (wealth), the desire to share these resources, benevolence, friendliness and intelligence. This is the composite image of an ideal man.
— Physical beauty is far from the first place on this list, since these requirements lead to one goal — a high-quality life for offspring, — explains the clinical psychologist. — In ancient times, it was important that the father brought enough food, and whether he was handsome or not was secondary.
It is also important, according to the sexologist, that a man be friendly — this reduces the risk of his death in a fight with other males. And high intelligence guarantees him a higher status in society, which means access to the largest number of resources. If he's also young and good—looking, it's just luck.
— When you really want to get married, 90% of women dream of having a man, no matter what kind. This status is important to many to such an extent that they are willing to spend their money on gigolos, and scammers have a lot of money for such women, and they realize their wonderful abilities in the first month and even in the first days of communication," continues Anna Osipova.
Beautiful words lead to disastrous consequences
The clinical psychologist emphasizes that some women confuse love and courtship. They perceive every sign of male attention as a confirmation of their true feelings.
"And if they spend the night with him, they perceive everything as if their relationship is already for life,— says Volkov. — In fact, these are just fantasies of a woman about a man. And the scammer skillfully plays along with her and supports her innermost dreams through manipulation and promises.
Scammers are excellent experts in psychology. The clinical psychologist believes that gigolos gain "points of control" over the victim by using the mechanisms of shame and guilt.
— The game is played at the level of the perception system and emotional images. For example, as a child, a girl was taught that a man is in charge, which means that she must obey him and do everything as he said. And if a woman does not do this, then her partner punishes her with silence, rejection, leaves for a while, leaving her alone. These are very difficult manipulations — they refresh the "memory" of the nervous system and plunge a person into childish horror," comments Volkov.
According to the laws of the game, the conman returns and "nobly" forgives the woman — first just like that, and then by adding favorable conditions to him. Emotional swings exhaust the victim and do not allow her to objectively assess reality.
— Scammers use this mechanism, harshly plunging a person into shame, that is, into a feeling of loneliness, a sense of "filthiness", worthlessness and hopelessness of existence. But they offer a way out: I forgive you just because I love you. Can you prove that you love me? Can you confirm this with actions? — the expert continues.
In the end, the scammer either simply steals the savings and disappears, or turns on the game: "I still have problems, but we'll get over it soon!" And the victim will give everything just to feel someone else's joy and favor, to feel the ghostly hope that her fantasies of happiness will soon come true.
— A woman thinks that if she is "good" to a man, then he will love her too. She begins to take great care of the person, including helping with money. But all the time, something goes a little wrong in the eyes of the chosen one. The main thing for scammers here is not to overdo it with demands so that a woman does not feel disappointed in the belief that they love the "good ones," continues Sergey Volkov.
This is how the victim develops a fantasy: if I give a person money, I will take care of him, then he will take care of me later.
— We were all taught in childhood to share so that others would share with us later, but this is a very pernicious misconception, — says Sergey Volkov. — You need to share with those who are ready to share right away, and not promise to give something later, someday.
Women who have been deceived by alphonse are the category that seizes every opportunity not to be left alone, warns matchmaker Anna Osipova. They missed the compliments and attention. Marriage scammers are well aware of this.
— It is a common situation when a man starts telling a woman from the very first days: "You are my beloved, my queen." He sends her romantic pictures. This semantic nonsense is used by 90% of women. And the more such dipping into sugar syrup and putting doshirak on your ears from the very beginning of dating, the less a man is willing to do for a woman," says Anna Osipova.
The matchmaker warns: beautiful words lull your vigilance so much that you may not hear your intuition. Marriage scammers like to show off — they pay in a restaurant, overwhelm with gifts, showing themselves as promising partners.
— Parents should not convince a girl that a man who looks after her beautifully is the one, — says Sergey Volkov. — Thus, parents themselves lay down a hard point of deception. The girls come to the conclusion that if a man is courting "for real", you can trust him.
Thus, generosity and beautiful courtship are not an indicator of serious intentions.
How to recognize a marriage scam artist
What kind of "red flags" should you pay attention to when getting to know each other, so as not to get involved in getting to know a man who needs a woman's money, not her feelings?
"There is no information in the information field at all about who we could live our lives with," the sexologist complains. — Sometimes we focus very much on our feelings, forgetting that they may not manifest themselves in the reality of the world. And thus we confuse the sale of an apartment with love, and flowers with attention.
Sergey Volkov advises first of all to pay attention to the speed of the emergence of global emotions. It takes time to develop a relationship.
— If after two weeks of communication you feel that this is the person you've been waiting for all your life, take a break, — the clinical psychologist continues. — "Your" person will wait two or three weeks, and the scammer will start to get nervous and impose communication.
In this case, in order for the victim not to get off the hook, scammers use manipulations that cause feelings of guilt. For example, they say phrases like: "I thought that everything was real with us"; "I hoped that you would never betray me"; "this is the first time I felt alive next to you, please don't leave me."
According to Volkov, scammers are diligently working to create an image of the future: just a little more, and there will be the happiness that a woman fantasizes about.
— Therefore, always look at reality. Evaluate not the promises, but what is actually happening — and who will benefit in the end. The question is "what about you?" it is not mercantile. It refers to issues of equality and mutual respect. Not very cunning scammers cannot withstand such a test and in the early stages of a relationship they prefer to simply disappear for their own safety," comments Sergey Volkov.
The clinical psychologist emphasizes that since ancient times, a woman has performed the function of support and inspiration for men. But representatives of the stronger sex, as a rule, solve their problems themselves. A mature man will not "hang" them on a stranger, especially a woman.
"But scammers complain about their difficulties for a long time, seasoning it all with the flair of a romantic but strong man," the clinical psychologist continues. — Sooner or later, the victim begins to feel a desire to help the cavalier and offers to take out a loan or sell the property.
Sergey Volkov recommends that women of the fairer sex clearly understand the boundaries of possible assistance, analyze for whom they are ready, for example, to sell a car, and for whom they are not. A woman should help her children, elderly parents, and not the first person she meets, with whom she has nothing to do.
— There is no need to "adopt" a man. If you want to marry a prince, then let the prince meet the requirements," comments Volkov.
Is it possible to take out a loan for another person
In order to take on another person's financial obligations, people must trust each other strongly, the matchmaker also emphasizes.
— As a professional, I can see when a person is lying. And it's easier to deceive an ordinary person. Therefore, matchmakers serve as a filter that helps to weed out dishonest people," says Anna Osipova.
According to the matchmaker, for an inexperienced woman, the "red flag" should be precisely commercialism at the initial stage. The expert advises to be suspicious of those suitors who utter such phrases: "I need help," "my business has failed," "take a loan for me."
— Women take such a risk as a loan for a man they don't know well, and then they say he's a bad guy. Yes, he's bad, but where were you looking? In such a situation, it is necessary to refuse him and see what the reaction to the refusal will be. If the "groom" merges, then the woman is very lucky that she did not become another victim. If he stays, we can see what happens next. But if a woman thinks something like that, then it means she's not imagining it," the matchmaker sums up.
You can take out a loan for a partner, but you need to be married to this person for some time, at least three years, experts say.
— During this time, you can see the partner's desire not only to take, but also to share, to really invest in you, too, — says the sexologist. — A relationship is a union of equals, not a donation of one for the sake of the other. Because getting married for the sake of cheating is also a common scheme.
A clinical psychologist advises you to understand that financial relationships do not contradict love in any way. And even in marriage, it is good to issue promissory notes with a notary.
— Scandals and tantrums after such proposals are thrown only by a person who was not going to return the money, — says Volkov. — And when manipulating love, you can always say, "I love you, so I don't require interest."
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